If Only
by LiveLaughLovex
Summary: He sat next to her, listening to her shallow breath and loving her more than life itself, when he realized that he hadn't betrayed his team, his boss, or himself. He had betrayed her, and that was much more painful than the bullet wounds one of his supposed allies had chosen to put in her abdomen.


**Title: Truths and Lies**

 **Pairing: Skye/Ward**

 **Summary: He sat next to her, listening to her shallow breath and loving her more than life itself, when he realized that he hadn't betrayed his team, his boss, or himself. He had betrayed her, and that was much more painful than the bullet wounds one of his supposed allies had chosen to put in her abdomen.**

SHIELD Specialist Agent Grant Ward had not been given a chance at happiness in the formative years of his childhood. His mother and father, both products of very wealthy family bloodlines, despised each other nearly as much as they despised the idea of having anything to do with the raising of their sons, and therefore they turned away from their sons, leaving them in the care of nannies and allowing governesses to teach them and chefs to prepare their meals. When the boys would request that their mother read them a story, tuck them into bed, or prepare dessert with them, she would look at them, her disgust thinly veiled, and walk away.

Perhaps it was the way that his mother and father treated his older brother that had made him so cold, but that didn't excuse what he had done. Their little brother had been the subject of their elder brother's torture since he was three years old, and he had nearly died at the hands of both of his older brothers because Grant was too terrified to do anything, to step in and help. His cowardice had almost cost his little brother the loss of his life.

For Grant, control was everything. When Garrett had found him and recruited him as an agent of HYDRA when he was a teenager, he believed that his mission was for the greater good. He had never anticipated that he would become a specialist at SHIELD or that he would be assigned to a team that had become more like a family than anything he had ever seen. He certainly hadn't expected to fall in love with the infuriating hacker that had betrayed them.

And it was his choice to infiltrate the system, to join the team, that may have cost that hacker her life.

He sat next to her, listening to her shallow breath and staring at the machines that kept her alive, loving her more than life itself. One tear fell unchecked down his cheek and he refused to wipe it away. He didn't deserve a reprieve from his own pain. In those days since she had been shot he had realized something. His silence wasn't betraying himself or the team he had been with before he walked onto this plane. No, his silence was betraying her, this beautiful woman who didn't give her trust easily but gave it completely, and that made him just as much of a monster as the man who had put two bullets into her abdomen and caused her to lose enough blood that machines were the only thing that kept her breathing.

He sat next to her, listening to her shallow breath and loving her more than life itself, when he realized that he hadn't betrayed his team, his boss, or himself. He had betrayed her, and that was much more painful than the bullet wounds one of his supposed allies had chosen to put in her abdomen.

He stood, exiting the room with his eyes focused in front of him. The betrayal would not be something the team would forgive easily, but they deserved the truth. She deserved to know that he hadn't known that someone would do this to her, would try to kill her when she had barely had the opportunity to live. Everything Garrett had done for him, rescuing him from his abusive childhood, it meant nothing. That loyalty he had once felt was void.

"Sir," he said to Coulson, approaching him with his eyes focused on the senior agent's face. "I need to speak to you privately."

Coulson nodded, standing from the sofa and gesturing for his office with one hand while the other ran over his face. "What is it, Agent Ward?" he questioned when the door had closed behind them.

"The death of Red Skull wasn't the end of HYDRA, sir," he said immediately. "It's been building itself up again within the foundation of SHIELD."

"And how exactly do you know this, Agent?" Coulson asked, his eyes cold.

"I was recruited for HYDRA by Agent Garrett, sir, when I was a teenager."

"You were a teenager? Why would Garrett recruit a teenager?" Coulson asked. "We don't allow teenage agents."

"No, sir, but he knew I wouldn't turn against him. He saved me from the abuse of my family. I felt like I owed him everything in life."

"And now?" Coulson asked.

"He's the Clairvoyant, which means that he ordered Skye to be shot. There is no question where my loyalty lies now, sir."

"And where is that?" Coulson asked.

"My loyalty lies with Skye, sir, and hers lies with SHIELD. I will help in any way to take down HYDRA and keep them from hurting her."

"My God," Coulson said, his eyes widening. "You love her, don't you?"

"Something akin to it, yes, sir," he said uneasily, never one to discuss his emotions with anyone, much less the man who viewed the woman he was in love with as a daughter. "I want her safe. If that means betraying my S.O., then I'll do it, sir, without any difficulty."

"You were never meant for HYDRA, Grant," Coulson said.

"Sir?" Ward asked.

"Red Skull, the founder of HYDRA, ordered his entire family to be assassinated when his wife learned of his affiliation with HYDRA, and John Garrett's wife went missing two weeks after he joined SHIELD. You are willing to betray all of the history of HYDRA and their hold over you because of the woman that you love. That makes you much better than them, Grant. She'll be proud of you when she wakes up."

Grant nodded, his eyes downcast. "The rest of the team is going to despise me."

"No, they won't. You were abused, Grant, whether you're ready to admit it or not, and that's enough reason for them to forgive you. We also had no idea that HYDRA was still in existence, which means that you helped SHIELD. Oh, but Grant? You get to tell Agent Carter and Captain Rogers."

Grant nodded, nerves coursing through his veins. He had a high enough clearance that he had been made aware of the fact that Agent Margaret Carter, one of the founding agents of SHIELD, had survived due to her relationship with Captain Rogers, but that didn't mean she had ever met him or knew of his existence. Not only was HYDRA one of her problems when she founded SHIELD, but it was also the reason that she had nearly lost Captain Rogers, that she had lost him for decades.

It wasn't going to be a fun conversation.

"What do you mean, HYDRA wasn't taken out by Steve in the forties?" Peggy Carter asked immediately, politeness being replaced by briskness as she walked onto the platform, her heels clicking against it. "He nearly died to ensure that there would be no more experimentation by that team. How is Skye?" she asked Coulson, her eyes focused on the younger agent that looked older than her.

"She's all right. She's the reason that Ward stepped forward."

"I suspect that's a bit of progress," Peggy said, her eyes still hard as she stared at the specialist. "Why did you join HYDRA within SHIELD, Agent Ward?"

"Garrett would beat me when I did things wrong. He said that he was teaching me to be better. Until Skye, I thought he was telling me the truth."

Peggy's eyes softened and they found her boyfriend's. "Schmidt would be the kind of man to do so. Garrett must have gotten his methods from the founder of HYDRA. I'm very sorry, Grant," she said, and the use of his first name surprised Ward. "No one deserves that. Coulson, is your daughter going to be okay?" she questioned her friend.

He nodded immediately, his eyes focused on the senior agent. "Yes, ma'am, Skye will be fine."

"That's amazing. I have every agent that is loyal to SHIELD focused on catching Ian Quinn and causing him immeasurable pain, but you can be the one to interrogate him. You're a good father, Coulson," Peggy said, patting his shoulder as she walked off of the plane. "By the way, Coulson, all the Avengers have been made aware of your survival."

"Oh," Coulson said, glancing in the direction of Steve's glare. "Sorry."

Steve shrugged before following his girlfriend off the plane.

"How is she alive?"

"A moment of passion when she thought she was sending him to his death," Coulson answered. "She's a sweet woman when she isn't pissed off."

Skye woke up suddenly, her eyes opening slowly as she glanced around the room. There was a tube in her mouth that was beginning to hurt her throat, and she began to cough loudly, alerting the agents around the room to the fact that she was awake. Fitz and Simmons jumped into action, removing the tube as painlessly as possible, while Ward and Coulson simply stood next to her. She noticed after the tube was removed that Ward held her hand in his own, his eyes downcast, and she wondered what had happened between the moment she had seen him last and this moment in which she was finally able to see him again.

"Skye," Coulson said, a smile of relief curving his lips. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she said, lifting the hand that wasn't in the specialist's and staring at the IV that had been placed in it. "What happened?"

"You were shot, sweetheart," Grant said, and she stared at him, in shock over his use of the endearment. Seeing him so broken was terrifying, and she wished that she could climb from the bed and hug him, tell him that everything was okay. She couldn't, though.

"We'll give you two a moment," Coulson said, gesturing for the agents to follow him from the room.

May walked over, her eyes cold as she stared at Ward. "You hurt her and I will personally make sure that you are very familiar with every new torture technique I have learned, understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ward said, gulping as she walked from the room.

"And here I thought she hated me," Skye said, smiling shyly at him. She bit her lip to hold back tears when he turned towards her, his features as broken as she had ever seen them. "Grant, what happened?"

"It was my fault. The shooting was my fault," Grant said, groaning as he placed his head in the hands. "My supervising officer ordered to have you shot. I didn't know, but I was part of HYDRA. I'm not anymore, but-dammit, sweetheart, you could have died."

"I'm fine," she said, reaching for his hand. "Come here, Grant," she said, moving over slightly and groaning.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head before settling on the edge of the bed. "Garrett got me away from my mother and father, my brothers and my sister. They were all so abusive aside from my sister, and I couldn't be around any of them. My brother hated me after the well, and I can't blame him. He found me in juvenile prison and helped me. He left me in the woods for five years and helped to recruit me for HYDRA. When I wouldn't listen to him, he hit me to teach me a lesson. I deserved it, though. I was a monster. I allowed him to turn me into a monster."

"No," Skye said adamantly. "You are not a monster, Grant Ward. You are warm, and you are kind, and you care. Garrett abused you, Grant, and I am so sorry that no one cared enough to tell you then that it wasn't your fault, but I care, Grant, and I am telling you, what Garrett did to me is not on you. It's on him, and it's on Quinn. You did nothing wrong."

And, for the first time in his life, he began to feel something akin to love. Because, for the first time, he felt as though he mattered. And that, for him, was worth everything.


End file.
